Let me tell you of the dark days to come; as written in the secret book of “Neo’s Revelations”, which was lost for centuries. Many who have seen the following passages, were burned alive and stoned (bludgeoned by big fucking rocks, not high).
“1. Beware the fifth rider, for he rides the chicken. The coming of the chicken will signify the breaking of the final seal, and Lucifer himself will descend upon you. 2. He will bring all manner of hatred and rage among men. Friends and family will tear at each other’s very souls to free themselves from the coming Apocalypse. 3. The chicken will invade all manner of life on earth, and the fifth Rider will be feared by all. 4. In the wake of the chicken, there is no survival. Only destruction.”
I include this passage from Neo’s Revelations for one reason. I wish to bless a friend’s new baby and their family with a gift. A toy for their new spawn.
Myself and Ringmaster have an agreement that we would not purchase this toy for the other, to preserve our friendship. That said, our other friend, let’s call him “Chum” has recently had a little girl. Congratulations. However, Chum, you are not part of Ringmaster and I’s little arrangement. You sir, will get “The Chicken”. After we give the Chicken to Chum, we will squeeze it once and run. I intend to have Ringmaster driving by in his truck, whilst I come burst from Chum’s place screaming “DRIVE DOOD, HE’s RIGHT BEHIND ME.” I will dive into the back of Ringmaster’s truck and curse his slowly accelerating steed. And as we discuss how we ‘got’ Chum, a shot will penetrate the windshield as we look behind us to see Chum mounting his motorcycle to give chase.
Behold: The Fifth Rider of the Apocalypse.
If anybody gives me this toy, I will consider our friendship null and void. And don’t be surprised if it is either airborn towards your head or needs to be surgically removed from your rectum. You have been warned.
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HAHAHAHA! Nicely done.
Is surgically removing a chicken from one’s arse considered (in this case) to be an exorcism?
Congrats to Chum, his awesome wife Pook, and their recently arrived progeny.
It would be similar to an excorcism. But ‘surgically’ would denote an inclination to science, which we all know doesn’t work well with religion. It would be like; if science had an excorcism. That said, I would still recommend having an old priest and a young priest present.
“The power of Christ compels you!”
And yes, best wishes to Chum, Pook and Chumspawn. May they all live long and glorious lives (sans fucking chickens).
[...] leave it to Neo over at The Whole Show to talk about appropriate toys. [...]
So…what I want to know is…did they ever catch the guy who created the SFX for this toy? I mean, clearly the guy is a serial killer.