Into the Mouth of Madness and V-Day

Well folks, it’s been a while. There are reasons for that, which include my utter hatred of winter, Christmas, my birthday and “V-day”. Plus, this is MY blog so I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Let me count to you, a tale of lunacy. A tale of rage, depression, alcohol abuse and insomnia. I referr of course, to my recent attempt to quit smoking. (Kay, maybe I over-embellish)

First, if someone tells you that using a drug to cure you of using another drug, tell them it can’t possibly work. Well, it does. But at what cost.

I was taking Champix at the start of the new year to quit smoking. Taking the drug as directed should cure you of cravings and the addiction. Well, it did that. I still wanted to smoke, but oddly, I didnt care if I didn’t. GREAT!

Then the insomnia started. At first it was just some very vivid dreams. I am unaccustomed to dreaming, so they woke me up. Then the dreams started to taper off and I found myself waking up, on my own, periodically throughout the night. This, as you can imagine, increased in frequency during the night. And as the days slowly turned into weeks, I became aware of increasing levels of stress. I didn’t *feel* like myself. At all. Which made me very angry. And people always asking “what’s wrong?” made me even more angry because i didn’t KNOW what was wrong. I would go from totally happy, to blood rage, to a complete breakdown within the span of a few moments. This added more stress. Then I couldn’t sleep. When I managed to finally fall into slumber, I was waking up nearly every half hour. More stress. To this day, I cannot determine if the stress was causing the sleeplessness, or if the sleeplessness was causing the mental instability. On a couple of occasions, I saught to induce sleep with obscene amounts of liquor (Thanks Coyote), still nothing. I couldn’t focus on anything, I would get mad over nothing and have frequent bouts of severe depression where I truly did not want to be alive. Still, better than smoking right? <I leave that for you to decide on your own>

I decided to stop taking the pills.

After 6 days of having stopped taking the drug, I have slept a total of 2 nights from bedtime to morning uninterrupted. I have managed to actually smile in the last couple days, and hell, I even laughed once. I look forward to the day where I become me again. If you are one of the people who actually managed to see me in any of the aforementioned states. Sorry. I think it truly was out of my control.

After 6 days, I smoke on occasion. And I probably always will. Because I enjoy it. Unless someone truly doesn’t want to smoke, they’ll never quit. Even those that do, I promise, still want to. Fortunately, I can go without, and maybe one day I will stop altogether.

If you truly want to quit, make sure you are absolutely done and you hate it. If that’s the case, then you don’t need any help. If you *need* to quit for whatever reason, then you’ll need help. To be fair, this is how the Champix drug affected *me*. It’s different for everybody. My roommate has had great success and none of the problems I had.

Happy fucking V-Day. Valentine’s day during a failing relationship is a cunt-hair better than spending it with nobody at all. At least there’s someone to look at, whether you get along or not is irrelevent. Hope that you, my readers (if there’s any left), have a great V-Day. I’ll be getting proper tanked since I evidentally have nothing else to do. I don’t know if there’s a “Bah humbug” for V-day, but there fucking should be. Maybe I will just continue to disdainfully use the term “V-Day”. It kinda sounds gross right?

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